We were once excited for this season to make an announcement that we were expecting a baby but instead these past few months have been relying on God to work through pain and grief.
Miscarrying four weeks prior, I was on schedule to have a D&C in a few days since I was still carrying the baby. Prayer and meditation helped me through as the pain and cramping kept getting worse.
As I was meditating through the pain, the nurses and the on-call physician advised me and my husband to rush to the emergency at St. Anne’s, where they took me directly back to a room covered and soaked in blood.
The I.V.’s were started in both arms, and I continued to meditate and answer the medical questions as best as I could.
“Well, you are three centimeters dilated and in labor….. You are in labor. That is why you are in pain.”
The doctor peeked up from ‘down there’ with all these tools, and cradled a phone in her ear to report to the surgeon on call. Within an hour I was under anesthesia for an emergency D&C.
I was dilated three centimeters? And in labor? I didn’t realize that was a possibility being that I had miscarried four weeks ago. At this point, I was pregnant for eleven weeks.
Prior to going into labor (which seems so odd to say), the doctors were not concerned about the miscarriage because they are quite common. They believed me to be healthy and explained that losing the heartbeat had nothing to do with my health, but that it’s simply a common thing.
“Sometimes it’s just Mother Nature’s way of saying that this pregnancy isn’t going to work. If the DNA does not line up perfectly, the woman’s body is designed to naturally abort the baby.”
It made sense when he explained it like that, and that perhaps the baby was sick. He continued, “Now, if this would happen three times in a row, then I would consider testing for underlying issues.”
I closed down emotionally, shrugging it off as something normal. I didn’t go through any grief. But then a dear friend that is also a Spiritual Director encouraged me to grieve.
“Bailey, it’s still a loss to grieve. It was still a life.”
I didn’t think of it that way, because grief hurts, ya know? I even choked back tears when she said it. But it doesn’t mean I need to ignore the grief. I didn’t need to wail in a corner, but simply allow myself to acknowledge grief.
I can’t say that I have really allowed myself to acknowledge it. It’s easier to just block it and deem it all normal and get back to where I was.
It was in the middle of playoff season for the Columbus Crew SC who won the Eastern Conference Championships and was getting ready for the MLS Cup Final. I am the team massage therapist and this was during the most critical point of the season. I needed to focus on each one of those players to give everything I could to help them succeed, to help them recover, to help them maximize their performance and deal with injuries.
As an athlete, you need to focus on the goal, and I wasn’t about to distract them by sharing what I was going through for over a month. They were all living a moment of a lifetime experience which I was honored to be part of, not to distract from.
I put a smile on my face each day, wearing at least two layers of pants and extra protection, and then extra-extra protection in a gym bag where there were times I needed to run out of the training room.
We never announced that we were pregnant, so please don’t be alarmed you didn’t know. Even our family and closest friends were shocked to hear that I was in labor and being wheeled back for an emergency procedure, and we asked for their prayers. They didn’t know we were expecting, as we were waiting to announce.
We are thankful for the prayers from family and friends. Thankful for the friends that shared their heartache of similar experiences, and followed up with me daily to make sure I was healing and emotionally well.
I was even more thankful for my husband who more than understood, but was compassionate, patient, and loving. He held my hand and was willing to do anything to help. We were heart broken, but know there is still hope.
As many have asked when the next show is; I won’t be training for Figure Competitions until we start a family. There is a time for everything, and being ripped and shredded isn’t one of them in this period of life. People often ask, so only God knows when the next show will be. However, to quench my competitive thirst, my new snowboard will be arriving shortly to race boardercross again (I don’t have to be ripped for that!).
Thank you again for your prayers through these past few months. God has a plan for us, and that matters more than anything, and we will keep Him as our focus. He’s there through the pain, through the grief, through the suffering, as much as He is through the success and celebration.
Through everything and in all things, I am thankful for what God is doing in my life. Not just in the good times, but even in the harder times.
1 Thessalonians 5:18